I hate having epiphanies. Frequently, they are things I could have easily lived without ever knowing. While they may expand my understanding of myself or others, they rarely make my life easier or happier. There's a reason I do not do much meditation. I just don't think I want to know that much about myself most of the time.
Recently, I've just flat out been tired. I don't really have any other word for it. I don't mean physically tired though that has been there too. If it was physically tired, I would use exhausted, sore, or sleepy. I would say that I needed a nap or a massage. No. What I mean is mentally and emotionally tired. Hell, overwhelmed could be used to describe it. I'm either worried or stressed over things most of the time. Also, toss bored in there which stresses me out more than being busy. I need a break from it. Just a little time out such as a mental health day would be a blessing. Not that I'm going to get that (a fact that I am starting to grow bitter over). It's a little ironic that the one person in the department that would actually voluntarily use vacation time instead of having to be pushed into it by management is the person that gets no paid leave of any sort. Yes, the fact that I have a forced day off for Memorial Day coming up is not helping my stress levels any.
All of this led to this weekend's epiphany. My needs (mainly emotional and mental) are not getting met. They haven't been met in a long while. Friend-wise, I have a great group of heifers that always make me feel supported and loved even though none of them live anywhere near me. There are needs that they can't fulfill though. Family and romance wise, those emotional needs haven't been met in so long that I think I may as well give up there. If things keep up the way they have been going there when I finally have the chance to leave, I may well not come back. I'm working to the point of flat out being done. I'd rather be alone than around people that make me unhappy. As for the mental needs, that is all work. I don't just want more to do. I need more to do. I actually miss last summer chaotic as it was because I had more to do. I was busy. I had responsibilities. I like it when the quiet time I have at work is my lunch (or as the case is here, dinner) break. I love my job and like my co-workers but mentally I am not being challenged. I would love to have more things delegated down to me.
So knowing that my needs are not getting met not really a spectacular epiphany or a huge help though it does let me know why I haven't been happy.
There's my boring, slightly depressing life for you.
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